As I sit here at my computer tonight, shivering in a frigid house, I ended up getting caught up with my own self and life. I'm slowly begining to realize why things have happened the way that they have in the past. I sat back tonight, trying to lookup my friends from the past..... but, if I need to track them down, were they really all that good of friends?

Sounds harsh, I know. But I have to wonder, if we were so close in the past, why aren't we now?

Everyone, and everything, serves a purpose in life.. Things happen for a reason. Why? You don't always know that until years down the road. Though I've never physically studied psychology in itself, I do realize the depth and characteristics it encounters. I've found myself being able to decipher even the smallest of notions. What you learned as a child, you will always carry with you...

I sit back and reflect on my past relationships. My friends, my past loves .. everyone. I think about who they were, and for some, why I lost them.. And while it could be devastating to think about friends and loves once lost, you need to also reflect on the positive side of things.. What did you learn from them?

Truth is, your relationships are what mold you into who you are today.

When you were born into this world, do you think you gave a damn about the material things around you today? Not at all. So what molded you into requiring that new piece of clothing? Or that new CD? Or that new video game? ..... That's where the world has fallen.

The song says it right.. "I only want what I can't have .. I only need what I don't want..."

Is it these material things that make you happy? .. If so, why? .. What happened in your life to influence these things? Look around you now. Look at what's on your desk, or around your computer. How many of those things did you want, but didn't really need?

Taking that in mind, now think about why you even wanted that item. Was it something you wanted because a relationship, past or present, influenced you to get? Then think about how you even came to the relationship with that person.. Keep following it back.. It will all relate back to something in your childhood.

Everything serves a purpose. For every action, there is a reaction.

Every now and then, something happens to you that you wish you knew why it happened. Maybe it was good, maybe it was bad. Nevertheless, over time you hope to finally realize what put you in the place.... It's all starting to make sense. Why have I traveled so far and been so independent? There is a reason for everything.

Slovakia is only a few short days away now. And I can't wait to go... I'm trying to have everything lined up and ready to rock so that when I get there, things will go easily.

My friends? .. They've been somewhat supportive of my decisions. Some have backed me fully, and respect my decisions. Others? .. They've become 'upset' at the idea of my travels.

I told everyone of my friends near and dear to me that I never plan on leaving them behind, and that I invite them to come see what I've done with my life overseas.

Eventually, as time goes on, I want what any self-respecting man would want in life.. I want to find someone that I can settle down with.. Maybe have a few kids, and a little dog scampering around the house.

When I grow old, I want to be able to tell my children, and my grandchildren about my adventures in life.. both the good and the bad.. if I stay tied down to the same drab every-day life thing, I'm never going to be anything that I really 'could' be.. I want to be me.. I want to be special.. I want to sit back and write a book about my memories.. from my first kiss, to my last breath.. I want to tell them that I did incredible and amazing things in my lifetime.. my friends.. my love.. my life.. it'll all be part of it.. I just want to be me.. I know most people don't understand, and unfortunately, most of my friends don't either.. but this is something I need to do..